Day One

Well, It's 5:21 in the morning. I have an amazing husband sleeping in my bed, but here I am wide awake sitting on the couch with nothing to do. I am not tired. I cannot force myself to go to sleep. I am afraid to take another pill to help me sleep for fear of either becoming addicted, or worse, overdosing. Losing this baby, and almost dying myself has dropped me so far into depression, I don't think I can ever dig myself out. I don't want to tell anyone how I feel because I already know what they're going to say to me. I don't want to hear anyone tell me, "it'll be ok" or "your time will come, you just have to wait til it's right" i never want to hear those words again. Because it's not going to be ok. Nothing is ok. All I've ever wanted in life is to get married, and have babies. You know what, that's not true, I don't even care if I ever got married, I would be just as happy being alone as long as I had a baby. That's all I want in life, and now it doesn't seem like I'll ever get that chance. I've been wanting to get pregnant since I got married, and after three long years of it not happening, woohoo I finally get pregnant. But what happens? It almost kills me. I get the one thing I want in life and I almost die because of it. I didn't even get to enjoy the fact of knowing I was pregnant. It's just not fair to me. Nothing in life is fair to me. I get the short end of the stick every time and I have no way to change that. The way things are going for me lately, I don't think life will ever get better. It scares me to think this way, but I do. How can I change it? Why am I not happy? Because my life fucking sucks, that's why. Maybe I just need to grow up and realize that I'll never be happy and just start dealing with it. Just try to make the best of it. I guess I could be happy with just Zane. Never being a mommy. Never getting what I want out of life. Who am I kidding?I will never be happy It's just not in the cards for me.