so, this is how it is huh?

I still don't understand why I can never sleep at night. I take sleeping pills to fall asleep, then end up sleeping all day the next day, and can't sleep that night. UGH. It's so irritating. But I'll get it worked out soon. I hope so anyway.
Zane was suppose to be leaving for the ship when he leaves for work today, but thank God they changed that plan. He's not going. I know he wanted to go, but I really didn't want to be stuck here all alone. Haha, pathetic right? Two days alone. But seriously, two days with NO ONE to talk to? I would have gone crazy.
Amanda gets here Friday! WOOHOO!! I am SO excited! I think Scott is coming with her, but I'm not sure. Doesn't matter either way actually. I'm just excited to go see them. I'm so bored lately, those kids will help. :] They're crazy. And I love Amanda! We're gonna have a blast together. Well whenever we have time to spend together. She works a lot, so I'm guessing I'm going to rely on the kids to keep me occupied.
I have been looking into Creative Writing Prompts cause I've really been in a writing mood lately. Some of them seem really fun, so I'm excited to get back into that. I use to love writing, but ever since I graduated, I don't write anymore. So I'm looking forward to seeing what I can come up with. :] Yeah I'm a nerd. What kind of person gives themselves homework assignments?

Since the Surgery

Well, like I said in the last post, things have been looking up for me. I am a pretty Happy girl actually. That's quite the change huh. I just looked at life and realized all the good that was still there, and all the good that has yet to come. I will be a mommy one day, no matter what I have to do to achieve that. Anyway, moving on to the updates...

I haven't been sleeping well. I stay up all night and sleep all day. I tried to fix it but staying up all night, and all day, so I'd be tired that night. Did it work? No. I got tired that night, went to bed at 8, but still slept in til noon. I was kinda on a good schedule for a few days. I thought everything was good again. Then after a few days, I woke up when Zane left for work, at 6, stayed up all day, and I still couldn't sleep that night. I don't understand it. I just want to sleep on a normal schedule. I like going to bed with my husband, and not sleeping all day while he's awake. So, that's the main thing I want to work on in the next few days.

Besides not sleeping well, I've been feeling a little weird lately. I keep getting weird pains in my stomach, and I've been getting light headed a lot. I don't think it's anything huge, but I'll ask my doc on Friday when I go. Oh yeah, I get my staples out Friday! I cannot freakin wait! These things are HELL. They've been really sore lately too. Like REALLY sore. Ugh, Friday cannot come soon enough.

That's not the only reason I can't wait for Friday. AMANDA is coming! YAY! She'll be here around noon to pick me up! Then we have a long ass drive to Tucson. I get to spend Halloween with the kids! Hooray! We're staying a night or two in Tucson, I'm not really clear on that yet. Then after our stay with Scott in Arizona, we'll go back to Texas! I have two weeks there, then I'm headed home.

The whole time I'm there, Zane will be out in the Ocean on a boat. He actually leaves on Wednesday. I think I'm going to cry. It's pathetic, he's only going to be gone for two weeks, and I'm going to be on vacation the whole time anyway. But I'm gonna miss him. I'll be enjoying the time in Texas, but the whole time, I'll be wanting it to get over, because that will mean it's time for me to go home to Zane.

Umm, there's not really anything else to update about. My life is same ole same ole. I sit at home all day and all night. Once I get back from Abilene I need to find a job. I with there were places close to work at, but... whatever. I think I'm gonna go look over by the Theater. I might like to work there, but I don't know. Doesn't seem too fun. It's also starting the holiday season, so lots of stores are going to be hiring. We'll see I guess. I still have time.

So, I've been thinking.

I know that when I last posted I was very depressed. I'm kinda working my way out of that. Things are looking up for me. I mean I am still sad. I still REALLY want a baby. And I still am not sure I'll ever have one. But I've come to realize over the last few days how much I have in my life to be happy about. I am so lucky to have Zane. I love him with my whole heart and even more. I don't even know if he knows how much I love him. But it's not even just him. My life is pretty good. But over all, I am SO happy with Zane. I know that if we are meant to have babies, we will. And we've already been talking about adopting, even before this whole Ectopic Pregnancy. We've been talking about adopting ever since we've been talking about kids. So either way I know we'll have kids. I'd MUCH rather have them myself, but, if need be, I'll be fine with adopting. I just wanted to write a blog counteracting all my sadness in the last one. I'll be back later to write more. :]

Day One

Well, It's 5:21 in the morning. I have an amazing husband sleeping in my bed, but here I am wide awake sitting on the couch with nothing to do. I am not tired. I cannot force myself to go to sleep. I am afraid to take another pill to help me sleep for fear of either becoming addicted, or worse, overdosing. Losing this baby, and almost dying myself has dropped me so far into depression, I don't think I can ever dig myself out. I don't want to tell anyone how I feel because I already know what they're going to say to me. I don't want to hear anyone tell me, "it'll be ok" or "your time will come, you just have to wait til it's right" i never want to hear those words again. Because it's not going to be ok. Nothing is ok. All I've ever wanted in life is to get married, and have babies. You know what, that's not true, I don't even care if I ever got married, I would be just as happy being alone as long as I had a baby. That's all I want in life, and now it doesn't seem like I'll ever get that chance. I've been wanting to get pregnant since I got married, and after three long years of it not happening, woohoo I finally get pregnant. But what happens? It almost kills me. I get the one thing I want in life and I almost die because of it. I didn't even get to enjoy the fact of knowing I was pregnant. It's just not fair to me. Nothing in life is fair to me. I get the short end of the stick every time and I have no way to change that. The way things are going for me lately, I don't think life will ever get better. It scares me to think this way, but I do. How can I change it? Why am I not happy? Because my life fucking sucks, that's why. Maybe I just need to grow up and realize that I'll never be happy and just start dealing with it. Just try to make the best of it. I guess I could be happy with just Zane. Never being a mommy. Never getting what I want out of life. Who am I kidding?I will never be happy It's just not in the cards for me.